Letter Date: June 22, 1992
Pages of Letter: (199-203)
After Patrick left to go and sleep, I said, “Charlie, I have to pack up some things. Would you stay with me for a while?” Frankly, I wasn’t ready to let him go and let go our last night together. I was panicking about leaving and having him there helped a lot.
We went upstairs to my room and my bed had a mountain of clothes I had to pack. My room looked like nobody lived in it because my dresser was empty and the pictures were down. So different from when he first saw it, if he even remembers.
I started packing silently, thinking about Charlie, what would he do without me? That may sound like he is dependent on me. But maybe I need him too. He is too shy to do or say what he feels, and he needs me for that. He just stared at me packing as if it were the most fascinating thing ever. So I started talking, maybe too much, speed talking because I was nervous, but he was listening. I guess I wanted to distract myself from thinking that I will be living in another state, alone.
“We have such a long drive to University of Pennsylvania tomorrow, it’s going to be exhausting. At least my parents rented a van for my bag space and maybe its comfy enough.“ He nodded. “Can you imagine my classes? Is it going to be full with hundred students in a lecture hall? Am I going to make friends that way? I hope my classes are nice so I can think about what I want to major in.” He nodded. “I think staying in a dorm with my roommate is fine, I don’t want to join a sorority and sleep in the house. I don’t even want to join a sorority and have “sisters”.” He nodded. “Man, I can’t wait for some college football. It’s going to be more exciting than high school games.” He nodded.
I realized I might have been boring him with all my talking. I realized by trying to not think about it, I was thinking about it and telling Charlie. Finally, I sighed and said what has been bothering me for a long time, “Why didn’t you ask me out when the whole Craig thing happened?”
He looked puzzled and he stayed silent. I hate when people don’t answer my questions, and I really wanted to know this answer. So I asked it in a simpler form, “Charlie… I’ll make this easy. When that whole thing with Craig happened, what did you think?
He still looked puzzled, but this time he realized he did have to answer. He said, “Well, I thought a lot of things. But mostly, I thought that your being sad was much more important to me than Craig not being your boyfriend anymore. And if it meant that I would never get to think of you that way, as long as you were happy, it was okay. That’s when I realized that I really loved you.”
That was very cute of him to say, I really loved him too. But that was not what I wanted. I needed him to be a risk-taker because if he really loved me he should have made a move, but then again, its Charlie. I sat down on the floor next to him and kind of whispered.
“Charlie don’t you get it? I can’t feel that. Its sweet and everything, but its like you’re not even there sometimes. It’s great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn’t need a shoulder? What if they need arms or something like that? You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.”
He looked shocked and puzzled again. I felt bad for telling it to him that way, I should have been more sensitive. But the way he acted made me uncomfortable and I needed to tell him.
“Like what?” he said scratchy.
“I don’t know. Like take their hands when the slow song comes up for a change. Or be the one who asks someone for a date. Or tell people what you need. OR what you want. Like on the dance floor, did you want to kiss me?”
I knew he did want to, but he did not have the courage to, and that’s the message I am trying to convey.
“Yeah” he said.
I was disappointed he didn’t. I said seriously, “Why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t think you wanted me to”
“Why did you think that?”
“Because of what you said”
“What I said nine months ago? When I told you not to think of me that way? “
He nodded. But that was not the answer I wanted.
“Charlie” I sighed, disappointed. “I also told you not to tell Mary Elizabeth she was pretty. And to ask her a lot of questions and not interrupt her. Now she’s with a guy who does the exact opposite. And it works because that’s who Peter really is. He’s being himself. And he does things.” I wanted him to realize that what I said long ago does not apply to right now. If he loves me, he should do things, and I know what he wants, he just doesn’t do them, and it is frustrating.
“But I didn’t like Mary Elizabeth.”
It frustrated me more that he was not getting the message. But it’s Charlie; I will make it easier for him. I said, “Charlie, you’re missing the point. The point is that I don’t think you have acted different even if you did like Mary Elizabeth. It’s like you can come to Patrick’s rescue and hurt two guts who are trying to hurt him, but what about when Patrick’s hurting himself? Like when you guys went to that park? Or when he was kissing you? Did you want him to kiss you?”
He shook his head no
“So, why did you let him? I asked confused and surprised.
“I was trying to be a friend,” He said. Which was wrong because he should not be forced to do what he does not want to do. And he should listen to his instincts when he wants to do something, but he’s missing the big picture.
“But you weren’t, Charlie. At those times, you weren’t being his friend at all. Because you weren’t honest.”
Charlie did not respond and he looked at the floor awkwardly, and it made me feel guilty because I think I was being too harsh telling him most of the things he does are wrong.
“Charlie, I told you not to think of me that way nine months ago because of what I’m saying now. Not because of Craig. Not because I didn’t think you were great. It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them o show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don’t like, I’ll tell them.”
Tears rolled down my face. I was not sad; I was disappointed in the way he was with me. And I was opening up to him with sensitive things I didn’t like.
“You know I b lamed Craig for not letting me do things? You know how stupid I feel about that now? Maybe he didn’t really encourage me to do things, but he didn’t prevent me from doing them either. But after a while, I didn’t do things because I didn’t want him to think different about me. But the thing is, I wasn’t being honest. So why would I care whether or not he loved me when he really didn’t even know me?”
I cried a little bit more, but I dried them off and I stopped.
“So, tomorrow, I’m Leaving. And I’m not going to let that happen again with anyone else. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. But right now I’m here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do.”
I thought that was a nicer way to say it. But Charlie sat there quiet and uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say anymore.
But then, he kissed me. And I kissed him back because that’s exactly what I wanted in that moment. We lay down on the floor and we kept kissing. It was soft and tender and we made quiet noises. We sat still but the new went over to my bed and we lay on all the stuff I haven’t packed yet. And we kissed and kissed and kissed. I touched his abs and his chest over his clothes, while he touched my waist and my boobs over my clothes. And then our hands went under our clothes. And then our hands took off each other’s clothes. We were touching each other without clothes and it was want he wanted, it was what I wanted. I took his hand and slid it under my pants so he could finally touch someone. And I slid my hands down his pants.
That’s exactly when he stopped me.
“What’s wrong? Did that hurt?” I said worried.
He shook his head yes and I felt bad because it was his first time and he was having a bad experience.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-,” I said, feeling guilty.
“No don’t be sorry.” He was covering up.
“But, I feel bad,” I said, hoping he would tell me what’s wrong. Maybe it hurt, maybe it was too quick, and maybe he is not ready.
“Please don’t feel bad. It was very nice,” he said, which only left one option.
“You’re not ready?” I asked shyly, guilty for trying to make him do things he didn’t want to.
He nodded yes.
“It’s okay that you’re not ready,” I said trying to console him. “Charlie, do you want to go home?”
He looked puzzled and dizzy, but he nodded. I helped him put on his clothes again. And then I started to put on my clothes. I was worried and feeling bad for rushing him. I took him outside.
“Do you need a ride?” she asked.
“No, thanks” he replied still looking confused.
“Charlie, I’m not going to let you drive like this.” He looked traumatized or drunk. And I knew he could not drive alone and I was not going to let him do that.
“I’m sorry. I’ll walk then.” Charlie responded. Again, not getting what I wanted to say. He couldn’t go alone because he looked dizzy.
“It’s two o’clock in the morning. I’m driving you home.” I said. I went inside the kitchen and got the car keys and came back out and Charlie was pale, looking unconscious.
“You’re white as a sheet, Charlie. Do you need some water?” I asked. I wanted to make sure he was okay.
“No. I don’t know.” And he started to cry really hard. I had no idea why. Is it because I rushed him when I was not ready? Or is it because I was not going to let him go home alone? Or is it because I was leaving tomorrow and this was our last night? Or is it something I didn’t know about?
“Here just lie down on the couch” I said, taking him and laying him on the couch. I went in the kitchen and brought a wet washcloth and put it on his forehead, hoping his color would come back and he would start feeling a little conscious again.
His eyes started to close so I said, “You can sleep here tonight. Okay?”
“Okay” he said, but now his eyes are wide open.
“Just calm down. Take deep breaths.” I put my hand on his chest. I saw him trying to take deep breaths, but his eyes weren’t closing like before.
“I can’t do that anymore. I’m sorry,” He whispered.
Now I know he was still thinking about me going down his pants and that’s what traumatized him, maybe he isn’t really ready. “It’s okay, Charlie. Just go to sleep,” I said. And right after that, he closed his eyes and dosed off into deep sleep.
Tanya M 